Tom, in his mid forties, is scruffy looking in a t-shirt and jeans. Tom would be described as “a little slow. He’s wearing sunglasses and listening to music on his headphones. There’s a bottle of water at his feet and he’s holding a cardboard sign that reads: Homeless, Please HELP! I lost my job and fell behind on mortgage payments. Please help me.
Annette is a well-kempt woman in her thirties or forties. Her hair looks professionally done and she’s wearing frosted lipstick and professional clothing. She looks like a cosmetics representative.
Tom is standing on a street corner off the highway. Annette crosses the street and approaches him daintily.
ANNETTE: Excuse me sir, but you wouldn’t happen to have change for a dollar, would you? I need something for the parking meter.
TOM (lifts headphones away from ears): Huh?
ANNETTE: Change for the parking meter? If you could just give me change for this dollar?
TOM (brings a fistful of bills and coins from his pockets): Sure
ANNETTE: Thank you (turns to go).
TOM: Ma’am? Spare any change? I’ve got no place to stay.
ANNETTE: Well, that’s a silly question, isn’t it? I just asked you for change.
TOM: Oh.
ANNETTE (turns to go, then rethinks): You know, you’re not going to have much luck just standing there like that.
TOM: What’dya mean?
ANNETTE: You’re a mess, but you don’t really inspire sympathy. I wouldn’t give you anything if I were driving by. I’d say to myself, “There’s a lazy man who can’t think of anything better to do today than raise money for the bars tonight.”
TOM (miffed): Well ma’am, I guess I’m lucky there are people around who don’t think that way.
ANNETTE: Now you’re angry with me. Don’t be angry with me – it’s just an observation. I do this for a living. I’m an image consultant. It’s my job to know what people look like as opposed to how people are supposed to look. It’s all about visualizing what you want and how you need to look to get there.
TOM: Oh. You can’t very well expect me to go out and buy myself a suit, can you, lady? I’m barely scraping by, day-to-day.
ANNETTE: How much do you pull in on a daily basis?
TOM: It varies.
ANNETTE: Well, give me a range here.
TOM: On a good day, twenty, thirty dollars maybe. If it’s raining or really hot out, I’m lucky if I can clear five bucks.
ANNETTE: What would you say if I told you that you could clear three times that if you tweaked your image just a little bit? Imagine, ninety bucks on a good day!
TOM: Is that so? How would I pull that off?
ANNETTE: Well, you’d change a few things about your appearance, your posture, and so on. You make yourself in the right image and people will practically be begging to give you money.
TOM: Like what? What should I change?
ANNETTE: Sorry. You understand, I do this for a living. If I made a policy of giving my tips out for free, well, then I’d be in the same place you’re in, wouldn’t I? I’m a generous person, sir, but I’m also a businesswoman (turns to leave). Well, best of luck to you…hear it’s going to rain tomorrow, so keep dry while you can.
TOM (thinking): Wait. Hold on. How much does a person like you charge?
ANNETTE: Oh, nothing you could afford. I’ve been featured on Oprah, you know. Image consultants that are just starting out charge around thirty dollars an hour, but with my experience, my advice is priced a little higher than that. Sixty dollars an hour – more, if the job is complicated and requires research.
TOM: Oprah, huh. Harpo Studios.
ANNETTE: Let me tell you, she’s quite a lady. There’s someone who really appreciates what an image consultant is worth. She’s certainly come a long way – beautiful woman, now, don’t you think? And all that money. She knows what she’s doing (turns to go again).
TOM: Wait. Ok, I can’t afford an hour of your time, but what if I was to ask you for five minutes? We’ve already been talking that long anyways. That’d be five dollars, right?
ANNETTE: heh. I don’t think so. I’ve already spent five minutes too many on this street corner, but thanks.
TOM: Wait. What if I pay you for ten minutes – the five we’ve already spent, plus five more? Ten dollars.
ANNETTE: That’s very sweet, really, but the level of focus required for a five-minute evaluation would be enough to give me a headache for the rest of the day. It’s simply not worth it.
TOM: OK, twenty dollars. For ten minutes. No pressure.
ANNETTE (thinking): Make it twenty-five and it’s a deal. I don’t want this to be a total loss.
TOM (slowly counts out money to verify that he has enough): Deal. It’s about all I’ve got, but if the advice you give me is what you say it’s worth, I’ll make it back soon enough, right?
ANNETTE: Double (counts out the money, before depositing it in her purse).
TOM: Ok.
ANNETTE: All right, let me take a step back here, just to size you up and get a feel for your body type.
Tom steps back as well, looking self-conscious.
ANNETTE: First of all, you need to get rid of those headphones. They are not working for you – nobody wants to subsidize your music appreciation. As soon as someone lays eyes on that contraption, they know that the price of batteries alone would be the equivalent of a meal at Taco Bell.
TOM (removes headphones): ok
ANNETTE: The sunglasses have to go too. People can’t see your eyes; they don’t want to give you money. They want to see that you’re not on drugs and trying to hide your pupils. Besides that, if you want to hook them, you’ve got to be able to make eye contact. You’ve got to show them that you’re human, connect with them. They’re already trying to avoid eye contact with you – why make it easier for them by wearing sunglasses?
Tom removes his sunglasses and tosses his hair uncomfortably to the side. He looks down at the ground.
ANNETTE: That’s another thing. Keep your eyes up. You need to really make that human connection. If they can’t feel you reaching out to them, they’re not going to make that effort to reach out to you.
Bottled water has to go. Hide it in the bushes if you need to, but people still associate bottled water with the French, with elitism.
Do you have any other shirts beside that black one?
Tom nods and pulls a few out of his duffel bag.
ANNETTE: No…ok, that pinkish one will work. What you want is a color that really brings out your vulnerability, especially with your skin tone. You don’t want them to be afraid of you; you want them to want to protect you. This one will work for now, but if you get a chance, pick up a couple of t-shirts in lighter tones – salmon, pale greens and beige, pale yellows. Nothing militaristic or biker-like and definitely no blacks or grays.
TOM: All right. What else?
ANNETTE: Your hair is way too long. You look like a hippie or a derelict-by-choice. Greasy is fine – people don’t expect that you’re taking showers everyday, but your hair needs to say, “I’m a decent, respectable man who has fallen upon hard times.”
Now, have you got any extra cardboard?
TOM: Yeah. I’ve got a few pieces here in my bag.
ANNETTE: Great. The first thing you need is a new sign. The one you have right now is too wordy – people don’t have time to read anymore. And I bet half the people who drive by here don’t even know what a mortgage is. You’ve got to be able to grab their attention with just a few powerful words, something they can relate to, coupled with a call to action. Here..
Annette writes on the sign: HUNGRY. PLEASE HELP!
ANNETTE: After I’m done here, you can work on darkening those letters a bit. They should be big and bold, so that someone can read it from a distance instead of having to guess at what you want.
TOM: Yeah, ok, that makes sense.
ANNETTE: Then, with the rest of the cardboard, we’ll just create something that’s suggestive of homelessness. A little lean-to back here against the bushes. Nowadays, people really need something visual to glom onto. You don’t need to get complicated with it, but a few details here and there can have a powerful effect. Here, give me those extra shirts…I’ll just drape them a little here…There. Tell me what you think – like a little makeshift home, don’t you think?
TOM: Yeah, but, I can’t sleep out here. I’d get picked up by the cops. Usually I crash on a friend’s couch, this guy I know from….
ANNETTE: Doesn’t matter where you sleep. It should be the first thing you set up in the morning and the last thing you take down at night. It’s all about the power of suggestion and visualization. If you tell yourself that you’re not really homeless, that you don’t really need or deserve what you’re asking for, then you’ll never get it. People will read it all over you.
TOM (nods thoughtfully): I need the money. I deserve the money. I’m human too. I deserve to have what other people have.
ANNETTE: Hold it. You don’t want to go too far down that road. A false sense of righteousness can get you in a whole lot of trouble and it won’t do you much good on this corner. Truth is, you don’t deserve to have what other people have. You don’t deserve their homes, their cars, their clothes, their groceries. You don’t deserve any of that. You don’t deserve anything besides their eye contact – that single instant in which they recognize that you are human too, just like them.
Anything beyond that should be treated with gratitude. They give you five dollars, you say, “Thank you.” They give you two pennies, you say, “Thank you” and say it with the same enthusiasm you gave for those five dollars. Treat every single one of them as a valuable customer and you will be rewarded. They will keep coming back to you, and if you’re lucky, they’ll tell their friends about you as well.
TOM: Really? You think it will work?
ANNETTE: 100% of the time. If you treat them right, they’ll remember it and treat you right. You’ve got to remember that these people have it tough too – they’re coming to you right after they get yelled at by the boss, right after their kids throw a tantrum or they found phone-sex charges on the telephone bill. If you can turn that around for them, make them feel good about helping you, then you’ll have done your job.
TOM: I guess I never really thought about it that way. Thanks, that makes a lot of sense to me.
ANNETTE: One last thing and then I’m done. You’ve got to work on that posture. Quit slumping – people will think you’re either drunk or lazy. Stand straight up so they take notice of you. Keep your shoulders back, your chin up. You don’t want to look cocky, but you want to show that you’re a man who’s doing what he has to do in order to survive. Never sit down or lean against a wall while you’re on this corner. The minute you do that, word’ll get out that you’re no-good. Right now, there should be nothing more precious to you than your image. Got that?
TOM: Yeah. My image. It’s all I’ve got right now. I’ll do it. From here on out, nobody’ll ever accuse me of being lazy or drunk. No more, “Get a job, dickhead.” No more comments about blowing it all at the liquor store. God, you don’t know how much those comments get to me. I’m a man, dammit, I’m tired of all those things people say about me that just aren’t true. I’m tired of having to defend myself all the time. I’m tired of being taken advantage of. From now on, people are going to say, “There’s a man – a human being – to take notice of. A human being deserving of our attention.”
ANNETTE: Very good. And now, our five minutes are up.
TOM: Thank you.
ANNETTE: Thank you, sir, and have a nice day.
Lights fade out on Tom as Annette walks away. Once Tom is safely out of sight, we see Annette taking off her suit jacket and skirt to reveal a stained t-shirt and shorts underneath. Carefully, she folds her clothing and places it in a duffel bag that has been hidden in the bushes. She reaches up to remove her wig, revealing a head of greasy, unkempt hair. Sitting on a street corner, she removes a Styrofoam head from the pag and places the wig on it. She lights up the butt of a cigarette picked up off the street, sighs, and then begins to comb the wig. Then the duffel bag is zipped and arranged to form a pillow as Annette lies down to sleep.
BLACKOUT.
No comments:
Post a Comment